Thursday, December 17, 2009

Never Surrender

I am sitting here tonight, once again unable to go to sleep. My thoughts are consumed with the loss, labor and delivery of Michael. I can't believe that it was 3 weeks ago that I gave birth to our still born son. Or, as I prefer to call him, our angel baby. There are nights when the pain is so raw, there is nothing I can do but allow the tears to fall down my face into my pillow. I have been having more good days then bad lately though, so I count my blessings.

Tonight is one of those nights when I can't help but let the tears come. It hurts too much to keep them in, so I have given up on the fight. Nights like tonight I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling the little kicks and jabs from my baby. I miss dreaming about what he will be like and how his big brother will react with him around.

I miss Michael.

It all started when I was folding laundry right before bedtime. Somehow my maternity jeans and sweatshirt had ended up in the mix and I realized that I needed to pack them away. They were two of the three maternity purchases I had made this pregnancy. I had worn them when we went to meet with Primary Children's. And I had worn them the day I went in for delivery.

I felt the constant pain in my heart intensify and my eyes started burning with tears once again.

It's nights like tonight when I find great comfort in messages given during the LDS general conference. It never ceases to amaze me the revelation these men receive, and the application and comfort that we can find in so many of their words. The talk I read tonight was called "The Infinite Power of Hope" by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. I wanted to share part of it that struck so deep with me.

"And to all who suffer—to all who feel discouraged, worried, or lonely—I say with love and deep concern for you, never give in.

Never surrender.

Never allow despair to overcome your spirit.

Embrace and rely upon the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart."

So, my new goal is to never surrender. I will not give in and let despair take over my life. I am blessed with the hope that I will one day see Michael again. That death is not the end. That he will return to my arms once more. Words can't express how grateful I am for the hope of that day.

And until that day comes, I will live my life to it's best and love my family (including Michael) with everything I have, continuing on with hope.


  1. Hilary, these are really really beautiful words. I so admire your courage and am glad you were able to find some comfort in Pres. Uchtdorf's words.

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  3. Hilary, This is the talk I so badly tried to tell you about the night you met with the doctor at Primary Children. I listened to it in the car as I was driving to be with you. Little did we know at the time that it would have even a deeper meaning. As a mother I am so very grateful for the comfort others can bring to you but most of all for the comfort of our Savior and His love for you.
    "Hope sustains us through despair. Hope teaches that there is reason to rejoice even when all seems dark around us."
    "for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness,softens all sorrows,and gladdens every heart."
    I love you my sweet daughter. May His arms be around you. Oh how my heartaches to be with you.

  4. stay strong hil... the days do get easier. i am so glad you are allowing yourself to feel what you need to feel.

    sending peace and love your way!

  5. Please consider yourself hugged. And if it's alright, I'd love to share my favorite quote (shared by Christopher Robin to his dear friend, Winnie the Pooh), "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

    Take care and keep writing. Writing is good therapy.


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