Simply Hil

Another year is on the horizon and I am once again sitting here in my sweats thinking about what I have accomplished and learned in the last twelve months. 2009 was a bittersweet year. As I look back on the events of the year, I can't help but be filled with gratitude for the things I learned. :: because of the scary economic times our country saw this year, I find myself being even more grateful than usual that my husband still has a job. :: being alone for 2 to 3 nights out of the week pays off. my husband got through yet another year of school, leaving only one more to go until he achieves his MBA. :: two year olds are way too much fun and provide much laughter. :: vacations are well worth the money spent and help create so many memories. :: sometimes things don't happen on your time schedule. we were so blessed to be able to get pregnant after months of hoping. :: there is so much to be learned through our trials and the trials of others. :: there aren...

When I graduated from high school, my parents gave me a pretty little maroon box after the graduation ceremony. Inside was the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. I later found out my mom had helped in the design and had been sure to pick out a stone that was my favorite color. It was a pink sapphire with a small diamond as an accent. I loved it. I wasn't expecting anything at all and it was a wonderful surprise. Fast forward to when I got engaged. I had always worn my pink sapphire on my left hand. Everyday in fact. When I got engaged I replaced the ring until I could get it resized to fit my right hand (for some reason my right hand is a bit fatter than my left..). Well, I ended up losing my ring during that time. I have absolutely no idea what happened to it and was sick to my stomach when I realized I had lost it. Over the years I have probably expressed to my husband how sad I was about losing the ring. I know I have said on more than one occasion how I wish ...

Four more days until Christmas. I am over the top excited for this year's festivities. We are busily preparing for the big trip, but I wanted to take some time to say Merry Christmas before I sign off for a while! Christmas time means it's time to pull out all the traditions. I am big on keeping traditions from my childhood and my husbands. We put up our tree after Thanksgiving, open jammies on Christmas Eve, set out a plate of sugar cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer, make my husband's favorite custard pie, watch "A Christmas Story", "Elf" and other classics, read the nativity story, drink lots of hot chocolate with extra whipped cream, etc. etc. Some new traditions this year include sponsoring a little boy who would be Michael's same age from the giving tree at my husband's work. We also want to get a stocking for our sweet little boy that will hang with the rest of ours. Lastly, this will be the first year that Santa comes t...

I am sitting here tonight, once again unable to go to sleep. My thoughts are consumed with the loss, labor and delivery of Michael. I can't believe that it was 3 weeks ago that I gave birth to our still born son. Or, as I prefer to call him, our angel baby. There are nights when the pain is so raw, there is nothing I can do but allow the tears to fall down my face into my pillow. I have been having more good days then bad lately though, so I count my blessings. Tonight is one of those nights when I can't help but let the tears come. It hurts too much to keep them in, so I have given up on the fight. Nights like tonight I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling the little kicks and jabs from my baby. I miss dreaming about what he will be like and how his big brother will react with him around. I miss Michael. It all started when I was folding laundry right before bedtime. Somehow my maternity jeans and sweatshirt had ended up in the mix and I realized that I needed to pack...

Have you ever wondered what absolute, complete and utter bliss looks like? Well, I'm pretty sure I found it a couple days ago and thought I would share: We have had lots of snow here, and instead of doing my usual yearly complaining I have been soaking it up. Yes, it is cold . Yes, it is a pain to drive in. Yes, it makes it so I have to mop daily . But how could I ever complain about something that makes my little guy so happy? He has a permanent smile on his face the entire time he is outside in the white fluff. He brings me his boots every morning and begs to go out and play. It is blissful to see the excitement on his face during this time of year.

Michael, Two weeks and two days ago I was able to hold you in my arms for the first time. Tears filled my eyes as I looked at your perfect little body. I had been dreaming about what you would look like ever since I found out I was pregnant with you. You looked so peaceful and a lot like your big brother. You were so tiny, your hand only being about as big as dad's thumbnail, and I couldn't get over how adorable your nose was. I still remember the way you smelled. It will be instilled in me forever I think. Michael, I hope you are able to look down every once and a while and see how much we love and miss you. We drove out to your grave today for a little visit. I hope you were able to see your big brother blow you a kiss. He sure would have loved to have you here to play with. He is so good with babies and loves to help out whenever he can. I know as he gets older and we are able to tell him your story that he will have a special bond with you that only b...

:: Can't wait for my hot date tonight with the hubs. We will be going to his company Christmas party where Collin Raye is performing. I plan on singing my heart out to "Love Me", "Little Rock", "I Think About You" and "That's My Story (and I'm stickin' to it)". It should be a fun evening. It will be the first time in a very long time that my husband and I have been out just the two of us. :: Christmas is only 12 days 6 hours and 40 minutes away. This is the first year when I have been all done with my Christmas shopping before Christmas Eve. All the presents are wrapped and placed neatly under the tree. Christmas is so much fun with a toddler. He makes everything so magical. He saw the Big Man Himself yesterday at the mall and was so excited to just say "HI!!!". He also points out every single strand of Christmas lights we happen to drive past while in the car. :: Thought these blogger's letters to San...

My husband and I both have one particular food item we look forward to around this time each year. Mine is eggnog. I love the thick creamy goodness. The hubs loves his mom's custard pie. I can't blame him. It's good stuff. Last year we decided to combine our two favorite foods so that we could both enjoy our favorites together. What we created was one of the most unique and best holiday pies out there. Nothing screams holiday like Eggnog Custard Pie. Now, if you don't like eggnog or custard you probably won't like this pie. BUT, if you like one of the two or better yet... both of them then you will love this pie. Enjoy! Custard Pie 4 Slightly beaten eggs ½ cup sugar ¼ tsp salt ½ tsp vanilla 2 cups whole milk and 1/2 cup eggnog, scalded 1 unbaked pie shell Ground Nutmeg Bring milk and eggnog to almost a boil and take off burner. Add all other ingredients stirring constantly so the eggs to not cook in the hot milk. Or mix 1/2 cup of scald...

I am laying here in bed, thinking about the day I just had and I really can't help but laugh. It all started when I had been asked to make stroganoff as well as a dessert for our ward Christmas party that was this evening. After a trip to Wal-mart (can we say insane around this time of year??) I had everything I needed to make both items. I got started around 1:30PM right after I put Little Guy down for a nap. He was pretty wound up, but I had hopes that he would nap, I would get my pumpkin cakes all finished up, take a quick snooze before my little man woke up, make the stroganoff, drop it off at the party all with a smile on my face and a skip in my step. IF ONLY. Instead what ended up happening was the following: Little Guy did not take a nap. I still made him stay in his room for a good two hours, hoping he would fall asleep while playing (which he has been known to do in the past). I baked my pumpkin cakes and made the frosting. Around 3:30PM I finally le...

During my hospital stay I had two incredible nurses. They did everything possible to make me comfortable and to make what was a devastating situation a little more bearable. They even snuck some pudding in for me while I was in labor... it was heavenly. I would really like to do something special for these two nurses to thank them. I plan on writing a thank you card to each, but would like to give something more. Anybody have any suggestions? I know there are many of you who are nurses or have gone through a similar experience. If you have any ideas as to what I can do for these special ladies, please let me know!

Last night I couldn't sleep. Actually, I don't know if it's that I couldn't sleep or that I didn't want to sleep. Yesterday was a good day. Not many tears were shed, my Little Guy finally took a nap (first time in 4 days) allowing me to nap as well and we had another yummy meal delivered removing that burden one more day. Despite it being a good day, it as an awful night. It all started when I told my husband that it hurts to breathe. Even when my thoughts are not all consumed in the memory of my little boy and the fact that he is no longer with us, it hurts to breathe. It is a constant pain in my chest. A physical reminder of my broken heart. I decided to read from my book and found some comfort in doing so. But then I started reading another woman's blog who has been through a similar situation as me. This led me to another blog, which led me to another blog... both of which had gone into labor around 21 weeks. My broken heart was throbbing. It...

This is a screen shot from weather.com today. Feels like -12?! Seriously?? I will be snuggling up with Little Guy for most of the day today, finishing up my Christmas shopping online and drinking lots and lots of hot chocolate.

I can't believe it has been a week since I was in labor and delivered sweet little Michael. I can't decide if that sounds like a long or short time for what it feels like. In a way it feels like it was just yesterday that I held his sweet perfect body in my arms. The emotions are still very raw and at the surface. In another way it seems like it's been ages since I last saw him. I think I am getting better with each new day, at least I hope I am. I went out to visit his grave yesterday, to see if they had placed the marker they had promised. It wasn't there yet. In fact, all that was there was a tiny patch of grass that you could tell had been dug up. My heart ached for my little boy. It is a hard thing to explain just how I am feeling. It is interesting how I feel completely at peace with everything. I know that Michael had bigger and better things to get on with. I know that it was my Heavenly Father's will and I have been praying to accept that, which...

I am not pregnant anymore. It's as simple and as complicated as that. I only had 21 precious weeks with my baby Michael. I had an instant bond with this little guy, from the moment I found out I was pregnant with him. He was a blessing and a gift in my eyes from the very beginning. It took us longer than we had planned to get pregnant this time around, and by the time I found out I was pregnant we were really ready for another baby. This pregnancy was a lot different from my first, as I have mentioned in previous posts . From more sickness to my belly growing faster to not knowing exactly what week I was in, it was just different. However, the love I felt for that sweet little one inside me was no different. He would entertain me at night before I fell asleep with his kicks and tumbles and hiccups. Like many future mothers, I would often think about what he was going to be like. If he was going to look like his older brother, or come out completely different. If he was go...