Friday, January 22, 2010

I give up.

It is past midnight here and I went to bed over an hour ago.  I finally gave up on trying to fall asleep and I'm sure my husband didn't appreciate hearing me toss and turn non stop.  So here I sit on my couch in the dark with my laptop, hoping to get some of my thoughts out so that I can finally have some peace of mind and go to sleep.  Night time really is the worse time for me.  For some reason my brain feels the need to think about every little last thing before I fall asleep.  It drives me nuts.

Tonight I was thinking about our appointment at Primary Children's.  I can still feel the pain of that visit each time I think about it.  I'm not sure how I was able to keep composure as the doctor told us that we were going to lose our son to Ebstein's.  Thank goodness for my pregnant body and having to use the restroom right after so that I could have some time to myself.  I sobbed good and hard in that bathroom stall.  I'm sure the lady next to me was wondering what my problem was.

I remember telling my mom, sister and sister-in-law later that evening that I felt like a ticking time bomb.  It wasn't a matter of if we lose him anymore, it was a matter of when.  Little did I know then that I only had less than a week left with my little boy and in exactly one week from that day I would give birth to my stillborn son.

It all happened so fast and just seems like a blur.  Maybe that is one reason why I have such a hard time not thinking about it now... because I didn't have much time to think about it then.  It went like this: we met with the specialist here in town on a Wednesday, he made an emergency appointment for us with Primary Children's that Friday, we had another appointment here on the following Wednesday, we lost Michael that night, Thursday it was confirmed to us that we had in fact lost him, Friday I was induced and gave birth and Saturday we buried our little angel baby.

I can't help but cry as I think back on these events and how everything happened so quickly.  There have been a few times when I have a hard time believing that it all actually really happened.  I suppose that is one reason why I am so grateful to have so many tangible reminders of my baby.

As crazy as it may sound, I believe it was a blessing that it happened during the time frame that it did.  That week between the appointment and the induction was one of the hardest weeks of my life (second only to the following weeks after we lost our baby).  It was difficult answering people's questions of whether we knew if it was a boy or girl, did we have a name picked out, when was my due date, etc. etc.  There was the constant battle in my head as to whether I tell them about my situation or just play along and pretend like everything was happy and good in the world. Then there were the times when I was alone and couldn't control the sobs.  It was just a horrible week.

I know that my son isn't with us right now because it was God's will.  However, that knowledge doesn't make me miss my baby any less.  As my sweet aunt whose twins were stillborn said, a mother's love is constant.  Others will forget about him, but Michael will always be with me in my thoughts and in my prayers until that beautiful day when I can hold him in my arms once again.


  1. I hope you rested well Hil...Your right a love for a child is forever constant. May your nights be more restful and your heart lightened... may you find the peace you need.

  2. He will always be a part of your life and heart. He was lucky to have you as a mommy! So glad you have little things to remember him by!

  3. I'm so glad you commented on my blog. I think I've had your old, wrong address on mine for a while.

    SO my children are both taking a nap, and I planned on NO computer time today, due to the fact that I have a lot of house work to catch up on... then I found your blog after quickly checking my email and blog.

    I went from standing for a quick peek, to sitting with my chin in my hand, tears running down my face.

    Oh Hillary... you are a beautiful sweet mother. I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. I'm touched and grateful that you have written about it. Not only is it be cleasing to write your feelings, but your words are inspiring and comforting to other mothers. I know they are to me. You are allowing this experience to bring you closer to Christ. Some day, you will have your little sweetheart again.

    Thank you.

    I love your blog.

    P.S. I tried to add your button to my blog, but it won't connect to your website. Did I do something wrong?


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