Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation

(Picture taken from source)

I couldn't sleep last night.  This seems to be a reoccurring thing in my life lately.  My husband and I ended up having a pretty deep conversation right before bed.  He still fell asleep within three seconds but I couldn't get my mind to shut down.

The next thing I knew I was back at that night when I gave birth to Michael.  A scene that has been played over and over in my mind over the last 6 weeks.  I hadn't cried too much that day while I was in labor.  At least not as much as I expected to.  I would cry, however, whenever I thought about how after all this pain was over with, I wasn't going to have the reward of hearing a baby cry.  Instead it would be silent.

It wasn't until it was time for me to push when I finally let the tears come.  I couldn't help but sob through the rest of the delivery.  Not because I was in pain physically (thank you epidurals), but because I was in pain emotionally.  It was a mortifying thing, giving birth to my stillborn son.  It wasn't until they placed my sweet little boy in my arms when I finally felt some peace from the suffering I had just been through.

His perfect little body was warm in my arms.  He was a lot bigger than I had expected him to be.  I couldn't help but just stare at my precious little boy.  He was perfect.  His nose and mouth looked just like Little Guys did when he was a baby.  He had ten fingers and ten toes.  He had the tiniest little fingernails and toenails.  His ears were adorable.  His eyes were closed and he looked so peaceful.  Tears streamed down my cheeks as I told him I loved him and kissed his forehead.

Those moments we had with him were precious.  I believe they have really helped me in the healing process.  Actually being able to hold him, touch him and give him kisses allowed my broken heart to mend.  We were so blessed to have been told about a service that is offered to parents of children who are stillborn or die as infants called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep - NILMDTS.  It is a foundation where over 7,000 photographers from the United States and 25 countries offer their time and talent to take pictures of these sweet babies at no cost.

You can watch the TODAY Show special on this wonderful foundation, here.  Grab some tissues.

Our photographer was so incredibly sweet and respectful of our situation.  I can hardly wait to get our pictures back from her.  I have been a fan of hers for so long, she is a very prominent photographer around here and I never imagined I would ever get any pictures taken by her.  She is very busy and the fact that she took time at ten o'clock that night (after she had just finished up at a wedding) to come and take pictures of our sweet baby truly touched our hearts.  Words can't express how grateful I am to have had those precious moments captured in pictures for us to have always.

I'm not really sure where I am going with this post, I suppose I just needed to write down my thoughts that I had last night so that hopefully I can get through another day (and get a better night's sleep tonight).  Part of me wants to apologize for the sob fest this blog has become.  However, another part of me feels like I shouldn't apologize because this it just my life right now.  It is what I deal with every single day when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed each night.  I wouldn't feel right about avoiding the subject, as this is a sort of journal of my life.

I do want to end by saying how grateful I am for the comfort that can come through prayer and the hope that I will one day see my boy again.


  1. Hilary I have been thinking about you a lot lately now that I have a child. I have often thought how I don't know if I have the strength or faith to go through what you have , so I admire you for all you have been through and still have the strength to put into words and share what you have dealt with. What a great foundation for parents to have!

  2. i learned about this service after cooper died. i wish i knew about it before hand, but then again we had no idea we were going to lose him.

    i dont think the event of the day you gave birth will ever leave your mind. i can recall every detail of the day cooper died. its part of scar that is left on your heart.

    i think about you often!

  3. You should never feel bad or guilty for writing about YOUR life. It's all yours and it's inspiring to read. You have a wonderful heart and what a sweet foundation for parents that have lost their precious babies. Keep writing whatever you feel, we'll keep reading...

  4. Hill, nothing to apologize about. Your life inspire me to become a better mom to my 2 year old.

  5. I love your blog Hilary. I am so inspired by you and your sharing of this trial. I love the quote that you put up by Joseph Smith. So wonderful. I also watched that amazing video. I have heard of the foundation before and I am so glad that you were able to be served by them. Those pictures will be wonderful to have.

  6. hi. i've seen you visit marta a couple times and this is my second time stopping by. just want you to know you've brought tears to me and inspired me. after reading your story you and your sweet family are of course in my prayers.

  7. Hilary- I don't think your blog has become a sob fest. You have nothing to apologize for! I really appreciate your honesty in sharing how you are feeling during this time. I have had patients lose children and I've never known quite how they feel. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. You are truly inspiring to me and many other women through this trial.

  8. So much love in this post.
    You are a beautiful person with a wonderful heart.
    Much love to you and your family and your beautiful Michael, who you will absolutely see again.
    Those photographers are amazingly generous and full of love to do this, what a beautiful gift they give, not only to you and your family but to themselves.
    Lovely meeting you

  9. I am so glad that you got some pictures of your beautiful boy. You are truly an amazing woman Hilary! I look forward to reading your posts and don't at all think that your blog is a sob fest. I think it's wonderful that you are sharing your story!

  10. I'm sad that I didn't know about this service when I had Clayton. The nurse at the hospital took pictures with a disposable camera and they were so bad... I only looked at them once and put them away. Way catholic looking. I had my friend take pictures of him at the funeral and I love those, but his body was a week old and didn't look as good as he did in the hospital. I'm glad that you have those pictures of him. You will cherish those forever!!

  11. Hilary...I just came across your blog from Givers Log. From the post over there, I knew your story before I even clicked the link, but I clicked over anyways. You are not alone. The same thing happened to me with my first (and still only) pregnancy four and a half years ago. I am very familiar with the pain and heartache that you must be going through. I hope that the past few months have brought you some healing. Best, Sarah


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