Thursday, February 25, 2010

What is my problem?

I don't know what my deal is lately.  I have been so ornery.  The only thing I can pin my nasty mood on is the fact that the dreaded 'anniversary' of losing my baby is this weekend.  That's enough to put any one in a sour mood I suppose.  It's to the point where I'm pretty sure no one wants to be around me, including myself.

I really just don't understand.  I have been doing so well.  The depressing days have been few and far between.  We have been laughing more often and are truly happy again.  A new and different happy, but happy.  Now, out of no where... BAM! all the heart-wrenching feelings are back.  I'm longing to be pregnant and have my Michael with me again.  But I won't get discouraged.  I refuse to get discouraged.

Lately, I've found myself reading pregnancy stories featured on blogs of women who are expecting.  Stories that are just like my story with Little Guy.  When I had him, I was completely naive and as much as I hate to admit it, took for granted the miracle that he was alive and well.  I thought I knew what a beautiful miracle my sweet baby's life was, but I only knew a fraction.  My eyes had not been opened.  They were closed and I lived in complete bliss with my healthy bundle of joy.  My heart felt nothing but an overwhelming feeling of love.

When I had Michael, however, my heart felt love and pain simultaneously.  Something I didn't think was possible.  My eyes were opened to the harsh reality that not everything goes as planned in this life.  Not all babies are healthy.  Not all mother's who enter the labor and delivery department leave with a baby in tow.  The experience made me realize what a miracle life truly is.  Never again will I take the good health of a baby for granted.

As I was singing to Little Guy tonight before putting him to bed, I listened to myself say the words "Lead me, Guide me, Walk beside me..."  I couldn't help but feel as though I was praying those words rather than singing them.  I know that God has been right beside me, picking me up when I fall and encouraging me to continue forward through this difficult time.  I'm so grateful for that companionship and don't know how I would move forward without it.

I found this beautiful quote tonight by Elder Robert D. Hales:

"Suffering is universal; how we react to suffering is individual. Suffering can take us one of two ways. It can be a strengthening and purifying experience combined with faith, or it can be a destructive force in our lives if we do not have the faith in the Lord’s atoning sacrifice. The purpose of suffering, however, is to build and strengthen us. We learn obedience by the things we suffer."

Suffering is universal.  I can't help but think about the thousands of people in Haiti who have lost everything- their loved ones, their homes, their possessions and livelihood.  I also think of the many mothers around the world who, like me, have lost a child.  My heart aches for each and every one.  I pray for them every night, that we all might be strengthened by our trials rather than allow them to destroy us.

My goal is to be happy again, and I know it will happen.  It always does with this roller-coaster ride of grief.  I just have to give myself proper time to heal, but I also must get out of this slump for my sake... for everyone's sake.  I will focus on the happy moments, rather than the ones that broke my heart (and break it all over again when I think about them).

The happy moments are what save me.

Life really is good and we are so very blessed.


  1. I wish I had some great wisdom to give you right now. But right where you are at in this journey is when I found out I had cancer, so the story changes...

    One thing that a friend I met who had stillborn twins told me that she joined an online message board and they all talked and kept in touch. At the year mark from when they had lost their babies those who were pregnant or who already had another baby were so much better off than those who did not. Those who did not were still so wrapped up in their grief, those who had now had something good to look forward to again. It helped heal them.

    I don't know what your plans are for this, I'm sad that I wont be able to be pregnant at my year mark, but it makes sense. I think that sometimes it takes a change in order to get out of the grief a little bit. For me it was a bad change, but change non the less, and it did help me get out of my grief. I hope for you that it is a beautiful wonderful change that fills you with hope. Hang in there!

  2. I am so sorry, Hilary. I think about your family every day and cry for your often. I love you and am so grateful to be you sister in law.

  3. Hilary, you are a truly beautiful person and one of the strongest women I know. I'm so proud of you for striving to find joy in such a difficult time in your life. I think of you often and keep you in my prayers.

  4. I would think a part of it would be hormones. All stories, experiences, and feelings are different for everyone but I had a hard time emotionally and hormonally when I had a miscarriage.

    You have a positive outlook no matter how hard days may seem. I may also have a recipe that just may help you through this weekend.

    Cookie Dough Brownies

    2 ½ oz. Fudge Brownie Mix
    ½ C. water
    ½ C. oil
    1 egg
    1 ½ C. semisweet chocolate chips

    Bake at 350 in a 9x13 greased pan

    *You can just use a brownie mix that already has chunks
    In it and follow the recipe on the box.

    Cookie dough

    ½ C. butter or margarine
    ½ C. Brown sugar
    ¼ C. Sugar
    2 T. milk
    1 tsp. vanilla
    1 C. flour


    1 C. semisweet chocolate chips (melted)
    1 T. oil

    Refrigerate and serve chilled


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