Saturday, November 26, 2011

A Letter to My Baby - 2 years

Little and Tiny at Michael's grave the day before we moved.
Dear Michael,

I am sitting here alone tonight, all of the boys are already in bed. Your brother's both have a nasty cold and your dad is exhausted from the weekend's activities. I should probably be in bed also since I know full well that I will be up most of the night with the two little ones. However I am unable to bring myself to go to bed just yet. You see, tomorrow will be the two year mark of the day I held you in my arms. It was a day full of so many emotions, but the one that sticks out to me tonight is one of love. It was the emotion that filled my entire body the second they laid you in my arms. Sadness soon accompanied it, but I will always remember that very first feeling of overwhelming love. You, along with your two brothers, taught me just how powerful a mother's love is.

It is incredible how quick two years can fly by and how many things can change. We are in a new home now, a different place from where you were born. That means it is a place away from the people who were right there for me during those weeks and months of greif. They will always be so dear to my heart for helping me through the loss. So many wonderful people who sacrificed their time and energy to bring meals, watch your big brother, come for visits so that I had shoulders to cry on and so on. I have mentioned before how I wouldn't have made it through that experience without the tender mercies of the Lord. Well, those were some of the many tender mercies given. My friends, family, neighbors and ward members were angels here on earth making those tender mercies happen.

Being in a new place also means we are away from where you are buried. When we found out we were going to be moving the very first thought that came to my mind was how we would not longer be close to you. At first I panicked. After all, it would make it much more difficult for us to come visit whenever we wanted. But after a while I reminded myself that what is buried in your little spot in the world is a shell. A beautiful shell, but still just a shell. You are no longer there, you are in heaven patiently waiting (and working) until we are able to meet again and I found comfort in knowing that.

The other day your oldest brother was playing with the teddy bear you gave him. He has become quite attached to it and even snuck it in his backpack to bring to church with him last week. I asked him if he remembered where he got his bear. He answered without hesitation saying, "Baby Michael gave it to me!". The conversation that followed was such a special moment for me. I was able to ask him what he remembered about you. He asked questions and I answered them. I was able to tell him that we would see you again (which made him very happy). It wasn't the first time I had told him your story. However, each time I tell him about you he understands a little more. He surprised me with how much he understood this time and even asked to see your pictures. After I showed them to him he told me how much he loves you.

You will always be in my heart Michael, filling the hole that was there after I lost you. Your story has touched so many people, most importantly the people in your family. I am thankful for the many life lessons I have learned over the last two years because of you.

I love you.



  1. I've been thinking about you this week, being Thanksgiving week and all. It's amazing how these little babies can totally change our lives and what we hold dear and important after losing them in such a way. I think that's sweet about the teddy bear, what a cute idea. Big hugs to you Hilary.

  2. Oh my.
    This brought tears to my eyes.
    I am sorry for your loss.

  3. Wow. I can't believe it has been two years! You write so beautifully and express so well what you have been through. You amaze me!

  4. it's tough to type with all these tears in my eyes.

    just wanted to let you know what a beautiful, strong spirit you have.

    your strength and hope inspire me.

    thank you for sharing such a tender post.

  5. Wow...this post made me cry.
    I'm so sorry for your loss.
    Sending hugs your way.

  6. Such inspiring words, you are amazing thanks so much for serving. We so appreciate all your help and kindness.


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