Tuesday, November 27, 2012

A Letter to My Baby - 3 years

Flowers from your daddy. He NEVER sends flowers, so today must have been one special day. ;)

Dear Michael,

I am usually able to write these letters with ease. I have been thinking about this one all day and it seems as though the words don't want to come as freely this time. This is probably due to the fact that I am completely in awe this evening by the kindness that has been shown to our little family today.

Today is the three year mark since you were born. Happy birthday! We celebrated your birthday as a family (I baked a chocolate pie - your dad's favorite - and your big brother was so excited to get to blow out your candles for you). I thought about how this birthday celebration is so completely different from the one we recently had for your little brother. For his, we celebrated his life and for yours we celebrated your memory. Both of which I believe to be equally important.

Today was filled with so many acts of kindness. Word got out from my sweet friend and neighbor, Millie, about what this day meant to our family. We had people stop by with flowers, cookies, cards, cinnamon rolls... you name it. My phone and Facebook message inboxes were full of sweet notes from dear friends who were just letting me know they were thinking of us today. I am overwhelmed by their selflessness and kindness. Part of me feels like we don't deserve it because you (along with your brothers) are one of the greatest blessings our family has ever received. I feel so incredibly blessed to live in the neighborhood that we do and to have such wonderful friends. Tears filled my eyes with every gift and message and I couldn't help but sit on the couch and have a good cry a couple of times.

Before we left for Thanksgiving weekend, your Aunt Jenny sent me a gift in the mail. Inside the package was a picture frame with two pictures of your cousins visiting your grave. There was also a note inside letting me know that even though I wasn't close enough to visit you for your birthday, they were there watching over you for me. Talk about a sob fest to follow! It was one of the most thoughtful and beautiful gifts I could have received from them. When your big brother saw it he took it from me and told me he knew right where to put it. I followed him in to the kitchen and watched him place it right by the tile I have that was given to me soon after we lost you. My heart swelled as I realized just how much he understands and remembers.

Over Thanksgiving weekend our family tied fleece blankets at grandma's house to take to the local hospital for preemie babies. I am determined to do one act of service (if not more) every year in honor of you for your birthday. It's my one small way of giving back for all of the many tender mercies we have experienced after losing you. Your dad and I went to the hospital this evening to deliver the blankets and as I handed them over to the nurse I thought of those mothers who would be wrapping their sweet babies in them. I still have your blanket and am reminded of your warm, perfect body all swaddled up inside of it as the nurses handed you to me to hold for the first time. I was grateful we were able to do this one small thing in hopes that it would bring another mother comfort during whatever hard time (or happy time!) they were going through with their own baby.

I am so grateful for eternal families, Michael. Without the knowledge that I will one day hold you in my arms again this whole greif process would be a lot more difficult. But I do know that I will see you again and that has allowed me to turn my greif and pain into hope and even happiness. Recently in our church's general conference there was a talk given by Elder Shayne Bowen titled "Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also". It is a powerful and emotional talk about parents who go through the trial of losing a child in this life. In it he says, "Because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy." I believe this with all my heart and am so grateful for a Savior who suffered for my pains and heartache and has made it so we can live together again some day.

In this world where so many people are debating the value of life inside the womb I can't help but cringe when it is disregarded and thrown away like it never existed in the first place. Some of those same people may look at our loss and wonder what the big deal is or may even go so far as to just call it a failed pregnancy. I wish they could see how life is truly a miracle. I know for a fact you had a body and a spirit. Your time here on this earth was short, but you did have time here.

You did exist.

You had your own crazy active personality and were prone to getting hiccups at least twice a day. You also had a sense of peace about you that I will never forget. I knew you were special. Our Heavenly Father knew that too and had greater plans for you. I am so grateful he allowed me to be the one to help you receive a body.

Your story has touched and helped so many people and I am proud to be called your mother. I can't wait for the day to hold you again my sweet baby boy. I hope you can see how much your family loves you!

Your Mommy


  1. So beautifully put. Thanks for sharing. You truly inspire.

  2. What beautiful words. Tender feelings are so often difficult to express, but you always do a marvelous job. Thanks for the good cry, Cousin. Love you so much!

  3. You always have such a way with words. Thank you for a spiritual (and crying) moment that you have given me this morning. Michael is very special and I am sure he is smiling down on his wonderful family! That is so nice of you to make blankets for the hospital. You are an example to me!

  4. I'm bawling right now. There is a big ball in my throat, and my stomach is in knots! Reading this just brings back all sorts of emotions and memories for me(good and bad). Losing a child is seriously one of the most awful yet blessed exspereinces anyone could ever go throuh. I'm not sure if that raw tenderness ever goes away, but I too am extremely thankful for those moments and days we were given. I'm so glad that you were blessed today with such sweet neighbors and friends. I'm sure it is hard moving away to where no one, or only a few know of your story and your sweet sweet angel. Thanks for being such a strong and amazing example for my Hilary! You will never know how your words have touched my heart, and brought peace into my life. I am so grateful that I was shown your blog at the right time, so that it could (unknowingly) prepair me for what was ahead of me. I know your sweet Michael chose you and Jer to be his mom and dad for a reason, you two are amazing people! I'll stop blabbing now, but please know just how thankful I am for you, and for Michael! Happy Birthday Angel!!

  5. I love the line, "You did exist". And he still does. Michael is aware and close to his mom, dad and two brothers. Someday when you are reunited, I hope I'm still your neighbor :)

  6. I have a knot in my throat and I am going to take the liberty of writing a little note for your sweet little boy:

    Sweet little Michael, I will meet you one day also, at least that is my hope now. It's been three years since I found your mom's blog, I do not even know why end up reading it, as you might now by now I only read baking blogs. Little did I knew what was waiting for me meeting your mom and reading about you. See, I was kind of a lost soul, moving here and there knowing about God but not really into it.
    Guest what? you changed my life as well as the life of my little girls.It is because of you that today I know our Heavenly Father, I know His promises and I am learning what He has in store for us.
    What a long road you got me into,with up and downs,but I am so grateful for it. Indee your time here was short, but you were able to change so many lives including mine.
    Happy Birthday Michael!

  7. hil, this makes me cry; not only because you lost your sweet michael, but because of your strength and your determination to be a better person (if that's even possible!!) because of him. i am thinking of your family. and will never forget. i love those blankets too, what a wonderful way to honor him. xo.

  8. beautifully written, Hilary. What a sweet way to remember your Michael.

  9. What a great idea, to do an act of service to honor Michael. And what a sweet gift from Aunt Jenny. Happy Birthday, Michael! You are still blessing the lives of so many people through your wonderful family!

  10. Happy birthday Michael. Thanks for sharing this with us.


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