Article Featured on Inspiring Women Who Know
A Mother's Heart: Be Still, and Know
Written: Apr 27, 2019
by Hilary Craner
A little over 9 years ago I sat in a small room at Primary Children’s Hospital with my husband, a social worker and our unborn son’s Perinatologist. I was 21 weeks pregnant at the time. We listened to the doctor tell us that our son not only had an extremely rare heart condition (known as Ebstein’s Anomaly) but that it was the most severe case he had ever seen. He went on to tell us that our son would probably not make it to full gestation and even if he did, he wouldn’t live any more than a few minutes after he was born. I felt numb and I fought back the tears that were stinging my eyes. Images from the last week of ultrasounds of our son’s beating oversized heart, thoughts of how we were going to break this news to my two year old son who was so excited for his baby brother to come and worries of how I would survive burying my son raced in my mind.
As we left that tiny room and walked down the stairs of the hospital the pressure in my chest and the burn in my eyes was just too much. I dodged into the bathroom by the front entrance, locked myself in the stall and released the sobs I had been struggling to hold back from the moment we were given the news that our son was not going to live much longer.
After what felt like an eternity of crying, I took a few deep breaths and composed myself enough to enter the busy halls of the hospital. My husband and I held hands as we walked to our car, avoiding eye contact as we were sure that if we looked at each other, we would both shatter into a million pieces. When we got inside the car, we finally looked at each other and the tears started to roll steadily down my cheeks once again. I cried. My husband cried. We held each other, feeling hopeless and broken. We decided we needed to say a prayer. So, right there in the middle of the Primary Children’s Hospital parking garage we prayed our hearts out for peace and strength. Almost immediately, my heart was filled with an overwhelming feeling of comfort. I heard the words, “Everything is going to be okay,” and I believed it. At that moment I wasn’t sure if those words meant that my son would go on to live or if it meant that we would be okay even if he didn’t. But I knew that regardless of what happened, everything was going to be okay.
One short week after that appointment, the tiny hiccups and movements that I was so accustomed to feeling inside my tummy stopped. A trip to the hospital for an ultrasound confirmed our greatest fear. Our baby had passed on and his enlarged and imperfect heart was no longer beating. Holding our stillborn son in my arms was the most emotional moment of my life. I felt an overwhelming amount of love, peace, heartache and sadness simultaneously. When the moment came for me to hand over my baby to the coroner I wasn’t sure that I was going to be able to let him go. That is when the words, “Everything is going to be okay” entered my mind once again.
I recently watched a video we put together from our son’s small and simple burial. As I watched the mother in the video I wanted to reach through the screen and hold her tight. I wanted to tell her that even though it was hard for her to imagine ever feeling joy again in that moment, that joy would eventually come into her life again. I wanted to explain how she would go on to have three more beautiful children, and although they could never replace the one she had just lost, they could teach her so much about God's love and His plan for her and her family. I wish I could tell her of the tender experiences that have come about because of the loss of that sweet baby boy. How her oldest son would always remember his baby brother that was in heaven and share his knowledge of that fact with his younger siblings. I wanted to tell her that grief is a roller coaster ride. There would be lots of bad days, but also good days. The bad days would eventually become more rare and her faith in her Savior would continue to help carry her through those bad days and enjoy more fully the good days.
If I had the opportunity I would tell her that Heavenly Father loves her. He was there with her that cold, fall day and one day she would realize just how truly blessed she was to have so much love surrounding her as she buried her son. It would be a pivotal moment in her testimony of her Savior, Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice. She would come to know, if she didn't already, that she would see her son again one day. She would draw nearer to her Savior than she ever thought possible. Her heart would be forever changed and she would have more compassion and empathy to those who experience similar losses in their lives. She would learn and grow from this terrible and trying experience and she would know with a certainty that those words she heard those 9 years ago in the hospital parking garage were true.
Everything was going to be okay.
Sister Dew’s words ring so true to me. I know that the words I heard that day were inspiration from a loving Heavenly Father. Those words came with such a feeling of peace, the source of them is undeniable. When we are struggling we can turn to the Lord for answers and for peace. He will send His spirit to us and speak to our minds and our hearts and for this I am forever grateful.
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