Simply Hil

A Mother's Heart: Be Still, and Know Written: Apr 27, 2019 by Hilary Craner There is a quote from Sister Sheri L. Dew that says, “A woman led by the Lord knows where to turn for answers and for peace. She can make difficult decisions and face problems with confidence because she takes her counsel from the Spirit.”  A little over 9 years ago I sat in a small room at Primary Children’s Hospital with my husband, a social worker and our unborn son’s Perinatologist. I was 21 weeks pregnant at the time. We listened to the doctor tell us that our son not only had an extremely rare heart condition (known as Ebstein’s Anomaly) but that it was the most severe case he had ever seen. He went on to tell us that our son would probably not make it to full gestation and even if he did, he wouldn’t live any more than a few minutes after he was born. I felt numb and I fought back the tears that were stinging my eyes. Images from the last week of ultrasounds of our son’s beating oversized heart, thou...

This December our family had the opportunity to dress up as shepherds and participate in our ward's live nativity (see the photo on our Christmas card 😊).   As a family, we retold their story as if it were our own. We told about the angel who visited us and told us "no to be scared" (in our little Molly's words) and how they brought good tidings of great joy. We recounted how desperately we searched for the newborn babe through the night and about the peace and love we felt in His presence.  One of Caleb's lines was "We felt we needed to tell everyone we knew, so this is why we are telling you these things." While all of this was simply an act, we truly do feel the desire to share our testimonies of our Savior and the love and peace He brings into each of our lives.  We know that " because of Him every one of us has hope of a glorious future. Because of Him, we can have clean slates, second chances, new beginnings. Because of Him, everything is pos...

On my run this morning I saw a young, pregnant mother pushing a stroller to the pond so that her toddler could see the ducks. Instantly I thought back on when I was that mom. It was a time of diaper bags, strollers, car seats, no sleep, stress about potty training, worries about milestones and eating habits, no sleep, diaper rashes, park adventures, library visits and did I mention no sleep? Like, zero sleep. I remember seeing women (like me today), on a run with no kids and thinking how amazing that would be (well minus, the run part... I wasn't all that into running at the time). What I wouldn't have given to have a few hours a few times a week all to myself. Or to have a child old enough to babysit so that I could run errands without having to buckle and unbuckle kids a hundred times. Today as I noticed this young mom, I remembered how hard that stage of life was and wished I could talk to my former self. If I could this is what I would say: Hi there. You don't know me y...

Last weekend, my husband and I spent just under 24 hours in Salt Lake city as a fun little getaway for our 14 year anniversary. As part of that getaway, we wanted to do some sealings in the Salt Lake Temple. Saturday morning we got up, went to breakfast and walked across the street to the temple. Inside the temple there were a lot of people! We had expected it to be busy seeing how it was a Saturday in August (the prime wedding month) and the fact that this particular temple will be closing soon for a long and extensive renovation. As we made our way to the sealing rooms we were transferred from one room to the next as we waited for enough witnesses to join our group. Soon, the temple coordinator came into our room and announced "It looks like we will be putting you down in room 6, below the temple." With it being just my second visit to this particular temple I wasn't immediately aware of the significance of this move. Others in our group, however, showed their excitem...

I recently read an article on ChurchofJesusChrist.org titled " A Sacred Weight ". In it, the author described two different kinds of weight that we feel as mothers. I haven't been able to stop thinking about these weights and how they mold and shape us in our lives. Allow me to try and articulate the thoughts that have been running around in my mind since reading this enlightening article. The first weight I have been thinking about is the actual physical feeling and presence of our children. For me, this weight started when my children were in the womb. I had average to large sized babies and by the end of each pregnancy I was REALLY feeling the weight. Soon after they were born, the weight shifted from my belly to my arms and chest. It was the greatest feeling in the world even during those long, sleepless nights. The physical weight can also be a toddler on our laps, a child's head resting on our shoulder or a the subtle weight of a hand clasped in our own. Ph...

Due to recent events in New York and their change to the abortion law that now legalizes late term abortions after 24 weeks, I have felt the need to share my story. The more I think about this post, the more I realize that it isn't so much my story as it is my son, Michael's, story. I just hope that I can do it justice for him.   I didn’t hear the shocking news until Wednesday this week (a whole 24 hours after the announcement was made). As I watched videos of people cheering and crying tears of happiness and New York lighting up buildings with pink, I couldn’t help but shed tears of heartache. I cried. I cried, and I haven't stopped crying about it each time it comes to my mind or shows up the news.  As I cried, I was immediately taken back to 9 years ago when I sat in a small room at Primary Children’s Hospital with my husband, a social worker and our unborn son’s Perinatologist. As we sat and listened to the doctor tell us about our son’s extreme heart...

{song credit: "Smallest Wingless" by Craig Cardiff} My heart has been full these past few days as my thoughts have been turned toward my son, Michael. It all started when we were watching some random home videos the other day, and a video of Michael's burial popped up in the feed. As we watched the video, I saw a mother whose heart was shattered. I could feel that broken heart as if it was currently beating within my chest, not because my heart is broken now, but because I was that mother and the memory of the pain is very real and very raw. I remember distinctly how I felt on that day nearly 8 years ago. I was hurting and crippled with sorrow. I was only able to stand because my loving Heavenly Father had sent angels to hold me up. I yearned to hold my sweet baby in my arms. That's where he should have been. In my arms. Not in a cold, tiny casket. I wasn't bitter. I wasn't mad. But I was broken. It was an odd feeling looking at this mother who I knew al...

{From the early years, when big thighs and chubby cheeks actually looked cute on me.} It's been a while since I have done this, and I am feeling a bit rusty. It doesn't help that I am currently running on very low brain power thanks to a new baby and sleep deprivation. We have welcomed our fourth baby to this little family of ours and I am a basket case of emotions with each milestone she reaches, knowing it's the last time I'll get to enjoy them as a mother. (We aren't going to talk about the fact that she fit into 0-3 month clothes this morning!) I will never understand how it is that they can get so big and grow up right under our noses. After being miserable for nine months I think the least these babies could do for us is just slow down and stay teeny tiny for a bit longer. I have been in a reflective state these past few days and I might as well just mention the reason why since it's the big elephant in the room... I'm turning 30 years old tomorr...

This last weekend we packed our bags, loaded up the car and headed north to Idaho. We were there to celebrate my sweet grandma's 90th birthday on Saturday. The party wasn't until later in the afternoon so we had some time to kill that morning. Several weeks before this trip I had been feeling guilty that we hadn't delivered Michael's memory boxes for stillborns yet (something we had hoped to do back in NOVEMBER!). They sat in our bedroom all packaged up and ready to go for months, but with morning sickness, regular sickness and just life in general we hadn't found a window of opportunity to deliver them to our local hospital. However, it all ended up working out perfectly as we still had them and were able to bring them with us on our trip. This meant we were able to take them to the hospital where Michael was born, which made it all that more meaningful to us.  As we pulled up to the hospital the boys were anxious to go inside. We had explained to them t...

Each year around Michael's birthday we like to do something special for the families in our local hospital who have also lost a baby. We've done things like blankets, beanies, burial outfits and more blankets! This year we have thought long and hard and decided on making memory boxes for stillborns (and also baby's who pass soon after birth). When we lost Michael, the hospital presented us with a beautiful box full of things that would help remind us of our son. It contained pictures that the nurse had taken of our sweet boy, hand and foot molds, a stuffed bear (that was his exact same size!) and other items that we treasure. I remember being so touched and thinking about the family who had donated the supplies to make such a sweet and tender memory box. They certainly knew the comfort it would bring to us, probably because they had been through a similar experience themselves. I cannot tell you what comfort these boxes will bring to these families for years to come...

photo credit : Lizzyography Yesterday was one of those days in motherhood that one would call "a doozy". It wasn't necessarily the particular things that happened that caused it to be such a rough day, but rather mine and the kids attitudes. Yesterday was really like any other day in mothering. I made three different breakfasts for three different children, wiped multiple bottoms (multiple times), started laundry, forgot about laundry, cleaned up play-doh a million times, made lunch only for it to go uneaten, scrubbed off ink that an "artist" used to decorate my van's leather seats using hairspray (it works!), took the two year old to a well check at the doc, carpooled kids home from school, took a short breather trip to Target for an alarm clock (and got home with three bags full of things that did not include an alarm clock), started making dinner only to realize I didn't have the right ingredients... you know, typical-every-day-mom stuff. Howe...

We made blankets for stillborns and donated them to our local hospital in honor of Michael for his birthday this year. It has almost been two whole years since I last posted. It's true what they say, "There is a time and a season for everything". I'd hate to say that my time and season for blogging has passed, but it definitely is not something I think about and make time for anymore. Maybe one day the desire and the time will return, but as for now I am left with the decision of whether I should keep paying for this domain or not. There have been several times when I think it's a waste of money and it's a lost art that once was a big part of my life. This blog helped me through the grief and loss of my stillborn son . Recording his story was such a great outlet for me. There were so many nights when I couldn't sleep because of thoughts racing around in my head. I would sit down at my computer and pour my heart out. Typing my feelings helped me fall...

My poor mom thought she was getting a sweet, beautiful baby girl when she had me. She didn't realize she would instead soon have a life size troll doll on her hands. ;) Well it's official. Today I am one year older than I was a year ago. The big TWO SEVEN. I have learned a lot in my short time here on this Earth (like how to down a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough in no time flat), but one thing I have yet to even begin to grasp is the concept of time. How is it that during different experiences it seems to craaaawl and others it goes by way too fast? Why is it that it seems like just yesterday I graduated from high school and yet when I was in school it seemed as though that day would never come? Same goes for my oldest child starting kindergarten this fall when it seemed as though he would never grow out of the colicky phase as a newborn. I may not ever learn how time works, but one thing I have learned (this past year especially) is that life and it's experienc...

(image source) Whoa, hey! I am still alive! Just wanted to pop in and let you know what have been and will continue to be up to all weekend. It is our church's general conference and it has been AMAZING as usual. I encourage you to check it out, even if it's just for a talk or two, especially if you never have before. The messages that are given are for everyone and are guaranteed to enhance and enrich your life. The thing I love most about conference is that there is always that one talk or two that I feel was written specifically for me and the struggles I am going through at that moment. I am able to find peace and comfort and feel renewed and strengthened by the words and counsel that are given. If you have any questions at all after watching, please don't hesitate to shoot me a comment or an email! You can watch conference for free by going HERE . Enjoy! :) p.s. conference is best enjoyed with your favorite treat in hand. our treat of choice today...

Happy Valentine's Day! It's the day of love and I love making treats. (If you couldn't tell already by the nature of all the recipes on this blog . I'm pretty sure almost each one of them is some type of baked good or dessert!) I wanted to make something fun and somewhat special for Valentine's day and went scouring through my cook books. I found the winner in my favorite goodie book " The Cookie Dough Lover's Cookbook " that I got from my dear friend Marta . (She knows me all too well!) I love this book and find myself looking at it quite often because of the yummy treats and gorgeous pictures it contains. This time I landed on an "Inside Out Cookie Dough Truffle" and knew I had to make it.  As I searched my pantry for all the ingredients, my heart sunk as I realized I didn't have them all. I didn't want to have to pack both of my boys up and drive to the store just to get those specific items. So, I made due with what I had a...

Here's a little tid bit for ya'll: February is National Heart Month! Fitting isn't it? Seeing how it is also the month that holds Valentine's day. Both sides of my family (mom's mom and dad's dad) have had heart health issues and as a result I have always been somewhat paranoid about the health of my own heart. The desire to finally do something and be proactive with my heart health started when I lost my baby due to a very serious heart defect called Ebstein's Anomaly . During that time, amid all of the doctor's visits and echocardiograms, I learned more about the heart than I ever did in all my years of biology classes at school (no duh). It opened my eyes to what a miracle life is and made me never want to take my heart for granted again. It wasn't until last year that I really started to do something about it by signing up for my first 5k, knowing it would get me moving. Since that  5k last May I have been running every other day and some...

My mom first taught me how to make french bread when I was in high school. She had made it one time when a bunch of my friends were over, and it quickly became the most requested after school snack item when they were at our house. It was delicious warm and fresh out of the oven with my mom's homemade strawberry jam. I love that time I was able to spend with my mom in the kitchen during that high school age. She has always been one of my best friends and high school was no exception. I'm so glad she taught me to make this recipe as it is now a family favorite in my own home. Ever since I graduated and moved away from home, I have had to call my mom and ask her for this recipe. It is no where to be found via the internets and it seriously is the best tasting french bread out there. The other day I was taking dinner to a family in our neighborhood and once again found myself calling my mom for the recipe. I told her that I just needed to get the cookbook. She told me it might ...

We had a wonderful Christmas and a very happy New Year. Christmas was spent here at home, which was magical and cozy. After Christmas we headed south to escape the winter wonderland that our little town had become in just a matter of days. Our sweet boys somehow contracted croup and spent most of the time lethargic with fevers and awful coughs. We are still fighting that bug but my boys sure are troopers and never complain. I could learn a lot from them! As a result, I haven't had much time to think about resolutions. I did, however, read Meg's blog today and love what she has to say. I agree that sometimes we just need a break. In this day of Pinterest, blogs and social media I think we have even more reason to compare ourselves to others. To want to be that perfect somebody that doesn't exist but we think they do because we think we see them on the internet.  Instead, what we see is a little piece of perfect from hundreds of different people. We rarely see the flaws...

I'll be the first to admit that blogging has not been on my mind at all lately. I receive the same email every December telling me that my domain name is due for renewal. Every December I contemplate what the best thing to do is. I love the friends I have made through this blog and the people who have touched my life (and maybe I've somehow done the same for them). But my heart just isn't in to writing posts lately. I will be paying the renewal once again in case that desire comes back sometime down the road. But for now, Instagram and Path are my main forms of documenting my life. I couldn't go without mentioning how completely shaken and heartbroken I was after hearing about those sweet children in Connecticut. The day it happened, I cried tears of heartache, tears of frustation, and tears of utter and complete sympathy to those parents who had lost their little ones so close to Christmas time. The greif consumed me and I couldn't understand how such evil co...

Flowers from your daddy. He NEVER sends flowers, so today must have been one special day. ;) Dear Michael, I am usually able to write these letters with ease. I have been thinking about this one all day and it seems as though the words don't want to come as freely this time. This is probably due to the fact that I am completely in awe this evening by the kindness that has been shown to our little family today. Today is the three year mark since you were born. Happy birthday! We celebrated your birthday as a family (I baked a chocolate pie - your dad's favorite - and your big brother was so excited to get to blow out your candles for you). I thought about how this birthday celebration is so completely different from the one we recently had for your little brother. For his, we celebrated his life and for yours we celebrated your memory. Both of which I believe to be equally important. Today was filled with so many acts of kindness. Word got out from my sweet friend and...